But I keep on dancing out of the dark into the blue

I slept away more or less the entire day Somehow I managed to turn off my alarm at 7.00 and woke up at 11.45. I guess that I needed the sleep after a more or less sleepless night. Just before I decided to go to bed yesterday I came across a quite interesting add for a summer-job which made me realise one thing that I have somehow approaching for a while know. But it was last night I got it. I really, really got it.

After saving the job add I went and brushed my teeth and got ready for the last round on Instagram for the day. I do that almost every night before letting the light go out. I check Instagram. I look for places I want to go, I stalk people and I like pictures which I sometime couldn’t care less about. What I don´t do that often is that I look though my own pictures, and last night I did that, and then I realised, and as a result I cound not sleep. I was clearly awake laughing out loud and when trying to meditate it just seemed light my thoughts were going faster than they had ever done before.

I scrolled through my photos from last year. Photos of mountains, skiing, great scenery, memorable moment with my friends, moments where I have felt true love and happiness. Awe and gratefulness. The last year and a half I have been living the life I have dreamt about for so many years, without really being aware about it. Sure, I have told myself several times that I feel more alive than ever and “why didn’t you do this before” and stuff like that. But it was all just words. Last night the words became embodied in every cell of my body.

During  the last past 9  months it seems like my life have accelerated into something that I could never dream about. Life have become easy, even the challenges that I dare the most. Sure, it would have been even better if I could have shared this with some of my closest friends. But in the end it doesn’t matter since I know that they share my enthusiasm no matter what. We are on the same wavelength no matter what. Some of them have become parents the last months, and some will within the next weeks. Others are living on the other side of this planet whilst and a few are quite close by.

I am so happy that I took the decision to not write my thesis in Aalborg, to spend another winter in Denmark would probably have been devastating for my mental health. When I left Aalborg after spending some days there in January I knew that my life there was over and that I was okey with that. Writing a master thesis in an environment full of competition and unwritten rules about what to do and how to do it wouldn’t have worked for me. Not even once have I freaked out about my thesis, not even once. And why should I? It is weird, you are told all these stories about how awful and hard it is to write you thesis. You hear about the hopelessness, the struggle and the despair. And sure, I have felt that during other semesters. I have been those emotions more that I would like to admit. But it´s all bullshit right? Just a big lie. It is not harder than you make it to, and in the end it is just a fucking thesis. Maybe that´s why it have become so easy to write at the moment, because I know in the end of June I will have graduated after 5 years of university studies. 5 years that took me across several countries. Something that seemed to be so hard during the first 3.5 years has no become so easy that I almost laugh when thinking about it. Why have we spent all these years stressing and worrying about our grades?

I am leaving Narvik in less than two weeks after 9 amazing months. I got a summer and autumn full of mountain hikes and a winter and spring with skiing. I got to know some truly fantastic people and I will miss it all. I’m going back to Denmark to write up my thesis and hand it in. One part of me is looking forward to hang out at the library during late night, drinking shitty coffee from the coffee machine and yelling and the printer.  But it is because I know that I have spent the last year of my studies well, very well, and I hope that I will not let my self be influences and immersed in all that carrier talk and panic over handing in top graded thesis. If I do, that would be great, but I will not stress over it. Not even once because it is not worth it. Two months and half months more I can do whatever I want with my life. Maybe I won´t get that awesome summer-job. But will that matter in the end? I can go wherever I want, and I will! God, I am one lucky bastard!

namnlöst-6

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