Last Tuesday I embarked on my 26 hour journey south in order to celebrate Christmas in the south of Sweden with my family. Leaving the dark north for some weeks where the sun actually rises over the horizon. So leaving all the darkness behind and entering a lighter and better world? Life is always a bit easier when you are staying at your parents place. There is food in the fridge, the washing machine works and you are most likely not working or studying, thus you can consider yourself to be on vacation, doing nothing, burning white sage whilst talking bout how we are all one in order to drive your father crazy. I guess that everyone that moved away from the city where they grew up knows what I am talking about (except the incense part maybe… :P).
You are confronted with you past. The place you felt that you had to leave being in order to become a “better person” is suddenly embodied and expressed in every single person, place or smell you encounter. Memories. You will meet people that only remember for the person you once where and who wonders where the crazy girl went (dude, I promise you, I’m more crazy than ever) and at the same time they are unintentionally reminding you of how bad you once felt and of lost you once were and how lost you will probably feel a few more times in this life. You have to confront people and feeling you (thought) you had left behind, and that for a reason.
It makes you wonder if you really have made the right decisions when you enter a world, which once was so familiar but now feels foreign. The intuition screams yes, you know that you are doing what is best for yourself whilst you ego might imply something different. You enter into a context where you perceive that you have to negotiate your new “Self” in order to feel like you are one in the gang, fitting into a context where you authentic self slowly disappear in order to become the person which you once where, a person that you now look back on with compassion and wet eyes .Saying that, returning “back home” does not only evoking unpleasant and contradictory feelings. You make new connections, wondering why you did not spend more time with some people when you were younger. Hence, from the unpleasant springs the pleasant where the future is able to thrive.
You will meet persons that you have been missing for a long time. So much that it sometimes felt like you were dying. Like every cell in your body was slowly ripped to pieces. Those persons you thought about when you felt so alone that you somehow convinced yourself that you probably where going to die alone, right here, right now. Over and over again. Those persons who are always with you when you experience the feeling of ultimate presence, ecstasy and universal love in meditation, at the mountain or wherever you really get that feeling of being struck by light, the energy that causes the Tower in the Tarot to fall and the World to emerge. And when you finally meet them again, face to face, chest to chest, you are again reminded of that they never left you, they were always there. They never left since we are all united as something bigger that only require acceptance, understanding of yourself and others as one and of course, a big amount of unconditional love.
I am not sure how it is in other Scandinavian or European countries, but the 25th is one of the biggest nights out in Sweden since everyone is home for Christmas. Thus, it is a night that often is characterised by welcomed, and less welcomed encounters, too much alcohol, bad decisions and a touch of “Dear God, can we just skip the 26th because I feel like my handover and anxiousness is going to kill me”? However, since I more or less stopped drinking alcohol 2-3 years ago, I was only blessed with a few “less welcomed encounters”, but the more of nice, long time no see encounters. And of course: no hangover what so ever.
It is funny right, how you sometimes have to leave people and your old Self behind in order to really understand how every single of those persons contributed to the person you are today. To realise that you fully and brutally loves and cares for them all, even if you accept that you do not want some of them in your life anymore, and that that is completely ok. The “return back home” always causes an understanding of that we are all so alike and that you are not alone in the search for whatever we are searching for. We just search in different ways, something that can be hard to comprehend when you are convinced of that your way is the right one. Even if you never was not that close friends they will always be a part of whom you are, and therefore you cannot simply choose if you will love them or not. You just do it, and you do it with every cell in your body. As Above, So Below, As Within, So Without.