December toughts

I have not been writing for a while, and I am aware that there are no excuses for that behaviour. However, I have not been out so much lately, and the small hikes I have done have been on already known trails. Furthermore, it is getting dark up north, really dark. From tomorrow, the 5th of December the daylight is gone for one month, and the last month it has only been light-ish a few hours a day. Thus, the lack of light have kind of affected my “adventure-gene”, and as you probably know, getting out in the not beforehand known terrain while it is dark, is not a good idea, even if you have invested in a 850 lumen headlight.

IMAG1006[1]                                        Picture from my office, at lunch time (12:00 today)..

I find this darkness to be somewhat exiting since you are deprived from you sense of time. It is like entering a club at night, just to walk out 24 hours later when it is dark again. You don´t really know where you are, who you are or why you are. Somehow you get lost in this dark void where superficial structures become even more obvious in a place where they are not illuminated all the time. Thus, it happens something with your mind. In Scandinavia we use to talk about winter depressions, since the winter is quite long with short days. However, it is not until now when I live in a place that actually can claim to have short, or no days, that I have actually really reflected upon these so called depressions. I will not claim that I have become depressed, not at all. Rather I would like to suggest that this light deprivation brings other sides of your mind to life, things which you have suppressed, things which are swimming deep down in our unconscious, waiting for you been dragged deep down in this dark sea of emotions. We use to perceive darkness to be dangerous, something bad which we not prefer to be in. On the other hand, it is in the darkness we are able to see the light more clear, as a concentrated fountain of potential and energy showing us the good things in life, what we perceive to not have or to miss and what we have to contemplate on and work with in order to unite that “external” with the light that shines in every one of us. Light and darkness are only two different perspectives of the human experiences, and both are equally important in order to create balance.

As what I perceive to be a result of these very short days, my daily meditation practice have become more unpleasant the last two months, but at the same time also more exiting. So many things which I thought I was over with have come back to the surface, punching me in the face and forcing me to confront some of my biggest fears (and no, it is not snakes, nor flying :P). And I appreciate it even it feels like you are breaking your heart over and over again and you think that life is truly hopeless. My astrological year will end on Sunday, the day when I turn 25, and 14 days later on the 21th the days will start to grow lighter further south. The sun is coming back and slowly the dark sides of your minds will go back into the shadows and wait six months until they re-emerge.

So, I only have a few days left before my year is over and there are so many thoughts, ideas, dreams and fears that I have to make space for. I can sense that it all will integrate perfectly with each other somehow, but I am not there yet. This has been a wonderful year, a truly magic time where I have meet so many fantastic persons, seen incredible places. I have learned so much about myself and about others. I can finally put words on what I prioritise in my life, what and whom I want in it and what I am not prepared to invest energy in.  I can hardly understand the huge difference between the person I was one year ago, and the person that I have become today. And the best part is that I hopefully will say the same in one year from now. So much potential, so many opportunities, so much imagined restrictions, rules and fears to confront.  Live is pure science-fiction, love it, embrace it, go with it and cry with it.

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